Who Is the Genetically Linked Parent? Navigating Questions for the Donor-Conceived

By Lisa Schuman, LCSW 

This question—or some version of it—is often asked of families who have used donor eggs or sperm to have a child. For heterosexual couples experiencing infertility, it can trigger feelings of loss or deepen insecurities the non-genetically related parent may already have about their legitimacy as a parent. Same-sex couples may hear this question even more often, since others may assume that, because it is “obvious” they needed assistance to have a family, it wouldn’t feel intrusive or offensive to ask who the child is genetically linked to. 

Yet the question can be deeply upsetting in both cases. The parent who is not genetically connected may feel left out, or worry that their child—like outsiders—will feel more bonded to the genetically linked parent. Couples may fear that others see one parent as less significant, or assume that the child will naturally resemble or inherit traits only from the genetic parent. Same-sex couples may also feel singled out, believing they’re only being asked because of their sexuality, which adds another layer of hurt. Even when the question is asked innocently, it can cause pain. 

So, how do couples handle these situations? 

The first step is to address it as a team. Talk openly about the scenarios where this might come up and consider how you’d like to respond. The “right” approach varies: some couples choose not to answer at all and simply change the subject. Others may be completely open, sharing all details with anyone who asks. Some may prefer to share only with a select group of people. And still others may decide the information belongs to their child and that, when the time is right, the child should decide what to share and with whom. 

There is no universal answer—only the answer that feels right for your family. 

Without alignment as a couple, though, conflicts can arise. Imagine being at a cocktail party, where one partner feels pressured to reveal details the other would rather keep private. Or picture a chatty neighbor pressing for answers until one parent gives in, only to have that information spread around the local nursery school. 

This is why preparation is key. Talking through these possibilities with your partner ahead of time gives you the space to share your feelings, explore different responses, and even practice them together. That way, when the day inevitably comes—and it likely will—you’ll be ready with an answer that feels respectful, confident, and aligned with your family’s values.