What We’ve Learned from Donor-Conceived Voices and Why It Matters for Future Families
By Lisa Schuman, LCSW
For decades, donor conception was shrouded in secrecy. Parents were often advised by doctors to withhold genetic information from their children. In some cases, doctors even suggested mixing the donor’s sperm with the father’s, so no one would know—or the donors were the doctors themselves. At the time, many parents and medical professionals believed secrecy was in the child’s best interest.
Over time, the voices of donor-conceived people have revealed the emotional toll of that secrecy. Many discovered their origins by accident, often later in life, and had to create an entirely new sense of identity. They reported feelings of betrayal, confusion, and identity crises caused by being kept in the dark.
This lesson isn’t new. In the 1950s and 1960s, adoptive children were often not told the truth about their origins—or were given minimal information. Discussions about adoption were frequently discouraged, and some families even moved to new towns to avoid questions about pregnancy or birth. Many adoptees later described profound loss and grief upon discovering the truth, feeling betrayed over their genetic connection and the trust they believed they had in their parents.
Adoption and donor conception are not identical. Adopted children are born as the genetic and legal children of two people who choose to place them with another family. This can leave questions about being “given up” or being lovable. Donor-conceived children, however, are typically genetically related to one parent and are born through the deliberate intent of helping someone build a family. Their birth involves a parent gestating a child genetically related to someone else and making a selfless decision to carry and deliver that child.
Despite these differences, both groups show that secrecy about a child’s origins—even when well-intentioned—can cause lasting harm. The good news: these outcomes are not inevitable.
Research now confirms what donor-conceived people have long shared: children who learn about their origins early and often tend to have higher self-esteem and closer relationships with their parents. When their origins are part of their story from the beginning, it becomes integrated into their identity rather than disrupting it.
Families, technology, and communication have changed. We now have access to donor-conceived voices worldwide, revealing diverse experiences. Some children are excited to meet donor siblings, others are curious about ancestry, and some are uninterested. Feelings and needs may shift over time, but openness and flexibility remain crucial.
If you’re preparing for parenthood through donor conception and feel anxious about disclosure, know this: the evidence is clear. Sharing your child’s story early and often builds a foundation of trust and resilience. Even if they don’t fully understand at first, repeated, natural conversations help normalize the story. Donor-conceived adults often say they prefer not to remember the first time they heard it; they want it to feel like a natural part of their identity.
Rehearsing the story as a parent helps make it feel natural. This way, children receive it as an ordinary and accepted part of who they are, rather than sensing awkwardness or hesitation.
As Maya Angelou said, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better.” Donor conception has evolved and so have we. By listening to donor-conceived voices and applying research insights, you can parent differently—giving your children a story filled with truth, love, and belonging from the very start.
Donor conception can be a beautiful and empowering path to parenthood. This time, we can take the lessons to heart and do it better.