Talking To Your Donor Conceived Child: Why You Should Think About Disclosure Now

By Lisa Schuman, LCSW

Guidance for parents navigating early disclosure with compassion and confidence. 

Many people wonder why it's important to think about this now, just as you're starting to consider egg donation. After all, you may not be close to having a baby, let alone explaining to your child how they were donor-conceived. To answer why you should think about how you will eventually talk to your donor conceived child about their origins, let’s look back a few decades. 

Early Disclosure Matters to Donor Conceived Children: Lessons of History

In the 1960s and 1970s, a large number of children were adopted in the United States. At the time, many agencies advised prospective parents either not to tell their children about their origins or to minimize the discussion as much as possible. These children, now adults, have expressed deep dissatisfaction with how they discovered the truth. Often, they learned about their adoption by accident or in a way that was clouded by secrecy and shame. Many said it affected their identity and their relationship with their parents. 

Fast forward to the 1980s, when ovum donation began. Similarly, doctors often did not encourage patients to tell their children. In fact, some doctors inseminated women with donor sperm without their knowledge, or mixed donor sperm (or even their own) with the husband’s sperm to give the appearance that the child could have been genetically related to the father. As with adoption, many donor-conceived people expressed pain and betrayal. They stated that if they had known from the beginning, they would have been more likely to trust their parents and might have avoided the identity crises that came from believing they were genetically connected to their parents, only to later discover later that someone else’s genetics were involved. 

Many prospective parents learn this history and then look for the “right time” to talk to their child, often waiting for a moment when the child “will understand.”  

When To Tell a Child They Are Donor Conceived?

Although single parents and queer couples (Duff & Goedeke, 2024) are somewhat less likely to struggle with disclosure, some rely on the idea that their child will "just know." However, this approach misses the critical opportunity to integrate the child’s donor conception story into their identity from the very beginning. 

When children grow up always knowing their story, it becomes part of how they understand themselves in the world. In contrast, when donor conception is revealed later, the child may feel confused, betrayed, or even lied to, and must suddenly recalibrate their identity and the meaning of familial relationships. 

Early & Ongoing Disclosure Is Best

Research now shows that early and ongoing conversations are best. A recent 20-year longitudinal study of over 100 families (Golombok et al., 2023) found that children who were told before age 7 had stronger relationships with their parents and better psychological adjustment in adulthood. 

Still, many parents struggle with how to begin. And understandably so.

Why It's Normal To Struggle With Disclosure

When choosing an egg donor, it can feel uncomfortable to choose the genetics of someone you don’t know to help create the most intimate relationship of your life, your relationship with your child. Thinking about that person, talking about them, and acknowledging their role may feel threatening. It may even stir up feelings of loss or inadequacy, particularly for heterosexual couples who have experienced infertility and the loss of a genetic connection. 

Yet, these feelings often go unspoken. Many people rush through fertility treatment and into parenthood, eager to move forward after what may have been a long and painful journey. That's completely understandable. However, it's helpful to take time to acknowledge any grief or loss, so it is less likely to interfere with thoughtful planning for your future child. 

When grief is acknowledged, prospective parents can recognize that these are their own feelings to process. And they can begin to separate their grief from the decisions they make on behalf of their child. Disclosing early and often, as the research supports, allows parents to provide their child with the foundation they need to thrive, while also giving themselves space to heal. 

If you're considering egg donation to grow your family, Everie is here to support you throughout your journey. Register to access our egg donor database to get started!

Resources

Golombok, S., Jones, C., Hall, P., Foley, S., Imrie, S., & Jadva, V. (2023). A longitudinal study of families formed through third-party assisted reproduction: Mother–child relationships and child adjustment from infancy to adulthood. Developmental Psychology, 59(6), 1059–1073. https://doi.org/10.1037/dev0001526 

Duff, M. A., & Goedeke, S. (2024). Parents' disclosure to their donor-conceived children in the last 10 years and factors affecting disclosure: A narrative review. Human Reproduction Update, 30(4), 488–527. https://doi.org/10.1093/humupd/dmae010