How Openness Shapes Donor-Conceived Families
By Lisa Schuman, LCSW
Research on donor conception has confirmed what many already suspected—and what adoption research taught us decades ago: telling your child about their origins matters. Equally important is when and how you share this information. Talking with children early and often allows them to gradually absorb the words, concepts, and information into their sense of self, so it becomes a natural part of their identity.
In the 1960s, adoption practices often encouraged secrecy. Parents were advised not to tell their children, or at least not to share details about their birth parents. Many of those children, now adults, reported that secrecy led to identity confusion, distrust, and even anger toward their parents.
Unfortunately, donor-conceived individuals later echoed similar feelings. Many expressed anger and resentment online, and their voices highlighted the harm of secrecy once again. The difference today is that more intended parents are single or openly LGBTQIA+, and these families often embrace more openness with their children. This shift gives us a clearer picture of how disclosure—or nondisclosure—affects children.
So, how and when should parents disclose?
The “early and often” approach encourages talking about a child’s origins from infancy—even before they understand the words. While parents may feel awkward sharing such complex information with a baby, practicing early helps normalize the story. It also gives parents space to refine their language, use children’s books designed for donor-conceived families, and develop a narrative that feels authentic. If parents wait until the child is old enough to pick up on discomfort, the child may internalize those emotions, wondering if something is “wrong” with their story.
As research has advanced, we now see more options for openness in donor/recipient relationships. Two key concepts help frame this: structural openness and communication openness.
Structural openness refers to having some level of relationship or connection with the donor.
Communication openness refers to how parents share and discuss information with their child.
Communication openness goes beyond “telling once.” It emphasizes an ongoing dialogue—parents answering questions, validating their child’s feelings, and keeping the door open for future conversations. Research by Dr. Vasanti Jadva and colleagues shows that children who are told early and grow up with open communication about their origins tend to do well and feel closer to their parents.
Importantly, families don’t all need the same degree of structural openness to thrive. A fully open donor relationship may not feel right for everyone. However, even in families without structural openness, when parents maintain communication openness—talking often, answering questions, and showing acceptance—children tend to flourish.